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It’s been a while since I’ve felt this uncomfortable.
Last week I had a free afternoon and video Speak no evil (trailer here), a horror/suspense film about a family that goes to visit another couple they met on vacation.
I shockingthings don’t go as expected.
If you have seen Episode “Dinner” from Office where Jim and Pam go to Michael and Jan’s house on the most awkward house party ever, and thought to myself…
“What if this was a 2-hour horror movie instead?”
…that’s basically the plot Speak no evil.
This movie is based on the 2022 European movie of the same name, so of course I had to watch it as well. And boy, that version was even darker and more shocking.
This movie has some really cutting commentary on relationships, masculinity, and even parenting…
But here’s why I found “Speak No Evil” so uncomfortable:
This film asks the question: “How many of our own boundaries are we willing to cross to keep the peace and not hurt someone’s feelings?”
I’m always joking how much conflict avoiders are people pleasers I did, which means this movie shook me to my core:
Which brings me to the point of today’s newsletter!
Guilt and overcommitment
My father was raised as an Episcopalian (a form of Christianity), while my mother was raised as a Catholic. My mom always joked that the Episcopalian faith was “like Catholicism, but without the guilt!”
We went to the Episcopal Church as children.
And despite that, I managed to win all catholic guilt!
I’ll bend over backwards to keep the peace. I will do my best not to offend. I’ll overreact, I’ll put myself in really frustrating situations, simply because I don’t know how to set healthy boundaries.
In short, I wouldn’t do well Speak no evil.
I used to think that only I was good, but I realized that it was something different.
I was disrespectful to myself and my own well-being!
Over the years, I’ve learned to establish and enforce healthier boundaries. Not just to protect myself from others, but to protect myself… from myself.
I have a hunch that there are a lot of people reading this newsletter who are also people pleasers, struggling with burnout, and currently feeling overwhelmed.
If that’s you, I have a truth that’s hard to hear.
The solution to burnout is not a Yoga Retreat
When we feel burned out, overworked, and overwhelmed, we think the solution lies in a very specific form of self-care:
- Escape: All we need is a massage or a “digital detox” or a retreat.
- Achievement: We just need to work harder in the gym!
- Optimization: If only we had a more optimized schedule!
The problem is that all of these solutions treat the symptom, not the root cause.
As pointed out in Anne-Helen Peterson’s I can’t even:
“Burnout is not fixed by going on vacation. You don’t fix it with “life hacks” like inbox zero, or using a meditation app for five minutes in the morning, or making a weekly meal for the whole family, or starting a journal. You don’t fix it by reading a book on how to “get the fuck off”.
You don’t fix it with a vacation, or an adult coloring book, or “anxiety baking,” or the Pomodoro technique, or fucking overnight oats.”
As I shared in my essay on problems with self-carethe solution is not found in a yoga studio or on a deserted beach, nor is it found in a journal or meditation app.
The solution requires us to have an uncomfortable conversation with ourselves.
We must first put on our own oxygen mask before we can help others.
Borders protect against burnout
We people pleasers spend most of our time keeping the peace and satisfying everyone else’s needs, rarely considering our own.
This is how we usually find ourselves over-committed, unable to do the things we want/need to do, and potentially feeling resentful that our generosity is taken for granted.
problem?
It is not someone else’s responsibility to set our boundaries.
It is up to us to establish, explain and protect them.
This is where the boundaries come in.
Boundaries are healthy because they allow us to really consider our needs too. Something I haven’t thought about in a long time. I bet there are a lot of great moms and dads on this newsletter list who also haven’t considered their needs in the a long time time.
This doesn’t mean that we need to suddenly become “I AM THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS,” but rather, it means that we need to deal with the fact that our feelings and needs are valid, and that we need to take care of ourselves if… for others.
How dr. Lakshmin points out in Real self-care:
“To practice real self-care, you have to be willing to make yourself vulnerable—whether that means having uncomfortable conversations to set boundaries or making a clear and intentional choice to prioritize one aspect of your life over another.”
Here’s your challenge for the day:
Say NO to the one thing you are currently saying YES to out of obligation or guilt.
Establish this boundary for your own well-being and mental health.
Yes, this will require you to rely on those around you, and maybe even *GASP* potentially disappoint someone!
Especially if they are used to you saying yes to everything all the time.
I promise you, their reaction is not your responsibility.
Another reminder I had to internalize: “No” is a complete sentence.
We can’t travel through time, which means the only solution to burnout is to put less stuff on our plate.
It requires us to develop boundaries to protect ourselves…from ourselves.
I’d love to hear what limit you set, so hit reply and let me know!
-Steve
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